Monday 30 December 2013

Waiting is so hard...

Wait on the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. Psalm 27:14

Little One, you will soon learn, that your mama is not so good at waiting. But today, today was especially hard. I was supposed to get a call this morning telling me what my combined blood results are, which will give me an idea of the odds of you have down syndrome or another trisomy.  I was hoping for any number bigger than 1:150 because any lower number than that makes me high risk. I was mentally preparing myself for the fact that its not going to be a comfortable number like 1:2000... but maybe, just maybe 1:200 - I would be so happy with that number, even though its still lower than most. 

Half the day went by and they still hadn't rung, so I rang them. The midwife said my results weren't in yet, but that she would ring me back as soon as they arrived. She did ring back not long after. 

1:16

I could hardly believe I heard right. Our odds cant be that high. surely. I couldn't get off the phone fast enough. I needed to cry. I had so hoped for better for you. I am heartbroken. I know that God has you in the palm of His hands, and I need to entrust you to Him. Its so hard to do! 

Oscar must have known how upset I was, because he came and cuddled us both, it made me smile and cheered me right up!



Your Daddy is my encourager always. He keeps telling me that we dont have enough to go on to be worried, and this could all mean nothing. So I cling to his words, and to Gods promises that He knows the plans He has for you! 

I love you little bean! 
Love, Mama


Friday 27 December 2013

Bitter-Sweet...

Cast all your anxiety on the Lord, for He cares for you! 1 Peter 5:7

Little Bean, 

I was so nervous lying on that bed waiting for the sonographer to get started. But almost straight away she said, there's a heartbeat....she then said not to worry if she is quiet for long, as she has lots of measuring to do. So your daddy and I watched you and giggled at your chubby little tummy while she was busy. You were the cutest little wiggle worm I ever laid eyes on! You had a BIG head...so I kept telling daddy that you have his brains! I am still convinced your'e a boy! 


The lady kept prodding at you...and then asked us to go and have a walk to get you moving. I knew that
something wasn't right. I tried to stay positive and not to worry. After her trying to get pictures of you from every angle, she eventually told us that something was not quite right. You have too much fluid in your nuchal fold, behind your neck. They want to see a measurement of below 2.5mm, but yours is 4.6mm. I tried so hard to stay composed and not to cry. But I was tearing up, and your daddy could tell I was scared. He knows me so well. I can see the fluid in your scan picture... that doesn't stop me looking at you..I think your'e perfect, and so cute with your little hand resting on your nose. 

I already knew what this could mean, because I researched so much about these scans. They sent us into a room to chat with the genetic counsellor anyway, to explain it further. You could have Downs syndrome, Potters syndrome, or, if your'e a girl, you could have Turners syndrome. It could also be nothing. But if I want to know for sure, I can have a CVS or Amnio test. But I dont want to do that, because there is a slim chance that you may die if I do. And I have waited so long, and wanted you so much. I love you too much. Instead, I can opt to just have a blood test and extra scans, which wont give me an answer, but will give us a better idea. 

I cried a lot today. I am so heartbroken. I feel cheated. I had so hoped that we could come away from todays scan, being told that you are perfect, and nothing at all was wrong. I am so scared, not knowing is so very hard, especially knowing that there is a chance I could lose you. But I know that I need to trust God with you. He will give us everything we need to cope. Meanwhile, I just pray he grows you big and strong! Nothing else matters in the long run.

We made the decision to announce you today.... some people may think we are crazy because there is no way to know if your'e ok. But I want everyone to know that God is blessing us with you, and I want to celebrate you, no matter whether your'e only here for a short while, or a long life! God deserves so much praise for making you. This is how we announced your precious life!

I love you so much - it hurts me to know that something might be wrong with you, I want you to be safe, and healthy - I wish I could somehow help... I feel very helpless! 

Hang in there and stay strong lil bean! We cant wait to see you again soon! And guess what, we now know your due date- its the 6th of July! 

Love, 
Mama



Sunday 22 December 2013

We have a date, you and I!

You hem me in, behind and before, You lay your hand upon me! Psalm 139:5

Little Bean,

I can hardly believe I get to see you again this week! Just a few more days.... not long at all. I cant wait to see if your'e doing ok! I know your little heart is still beating strong because I hear it every day - its so reassuring!! :)


I am so glad to know that God is busy at work on you. Its hard knowing that I have no real control over how things are going in that little house of yours, but its ok, its teaching me to trust our Maker more and more every day!

I am not feeling as sick any more, which partly worries me, because I wonder if it means your'e not doing so great...but not long until I know how you are! I am steadily getting bigger and I love being able to see the affects of you growing!

Once we have seen you on Friday, we will tell the world all about you! And I cant wait to share the news, some people know about you but I want to tell everyone...its so hard to contain something so exciting!

We were able to share the news at a team reunion yesterday, but there are still so many people to tell! 

Looking forward to our little date, 

Love you so much, 
Mama


Thursday 5 December 2013

Your Precious Heart...

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life! Proverbs 4:23

Little Bean,

This week I have been able to find your heartbeat at home on my doppler. Its my new favorite
sound! Although, I think it may just drive your daddy around the bend because I just cant get enough of hearing it! It makes me smile every time, and reassures me that your'e still growing strong. The proof is in my ever so slightly swelling belly!


I have been praying for your heart ever since I knew you existed. Praying that you would have a heart of compassion, a heart of joy. I pray every day that you will learn to love God with your whole heart. I pray often that daddy and I will be able to help you to guard your heart from all the ungodly things of this world, and help you to fill it with all the beautiful things instead. 

We know that God is already at work in your heart, and that He is already preparing you for the life you have ahead. He will be your strength and your comfort. I am trying to trust Him with your precious heart - because I know that I am not capable of doing anything good on my own, I need to let him lead and guide me in being your mama! 

Here is a video - taken the first ever time that I heard your precious heartbeat - I hope I never forget how good it was to hear it for the first time!


Taking care of your heart after you arrive is going to be a big responsibility...so for now, I am just going to relish this time, where your heart is beating right next to mine! 
I love you! 
Love, Mama